from "MOST OF WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT LOSS AND GRIEF IS WRONG"
by Patricia A. Shelden MDiv

Most of us are uncomfortable around people who have recently endured a painful loss and those who are grieving for a long time after a Loss. I can understand. We do not want to say something stupid, something that might hurt or make the person feel any worse than they already do. So, we often take the least painful approach....we avoid them. Oh, was I not clear that this is the least painful approach for us who are uncomfortable around someone else's grief?

What makes us most uncomfortable is the illusion that we have the power to change how someone feels. Nothing could be less possible. Think of a time when you were very hurt emotionally. Remember that feeling of being lost in that pain and unable to climb out of it. Was there anything anyone else could have said that would have altered Your feelings, made YOU feel better, put everything in a different light or help YOU to understand it all differently. Of course not!

Yet, we stumble, and hem and haw, and mumble when we cannot avoid someone who is grieving. Or, much worse, we think we know just what the grieving person needs to hear. I know this has happened when I hear remarks like, "At least I got her to laugh." or "I never mentioned his dead mother because I didn't want to make him any more sad." Do we honestly assume that we know best what someone else needs to hear? Especially when we assume that what they do need to hear does not honor, or even acknowledge, their loss and grief?

Here are My Three Ground Rules about what to say and do around someone who is mourning. These are not very complex thoughts but they will serve you and others well when you are unsure about how to behave or what to say around someone whose grief is making you feel uncomfortable.

WHEN IN DOUBT SHUT UP!
DON'T JUST DO SOMETHING, STAND THERE!
IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT YOU, YOU ARE WAY OFF TRACK!

If you cannot think of what to say then simply say "I'm sorry for your Loss." and be quiet. You do not help when you avoid acknowledging the pain someone is feeling. So, acknowledge it and be done. What else is there to say?

If you are busying yourself getting someone a chair or a glass of water you are not focusing on them nor allowing them to set the mood. You will never know if the person who is grievingwants to talk or not, or if they want company or not because you will be too busy trying to anticipate their needs to find out what they truly are.

Because we do not want to see others hurting or grieving we often end up doing or saying what helps us more than it helps the person we want to support. We are not trying to put ourselves first. Most of us would truly love to support the one who is grieving. But, because it is a hard situation and one that brings up uncomfortable feeling for us, too, we sometimes end up keeping our focus on the wrong person, doing what is the most comfortable for us. If you find you are doing this just take a step back and see if you can change your focus.

Acknowledging someone's loss and offering your compassion are the best things you can do. After that let the person who is grieving choose what else the conversation or time together includes. It is the best thing you can do.