OTHER LOSSES DURING A PANDEMIC

When speak of grief and loss we usually assume we are speaking of death and what follows.  We forget that there are many kinds of losses that cause deep feelings of grief and a sense of lostness.  Before the Pandemic when I wrote or spoke of other Losses I referred to divorce, retirement, moving, changing jobs, ending relationships, etc.  Today there are new lists to add that are not being recognized as resulting in both grief and fear.

Just some of the Losses we are experiencing are;  our way of life, our daily routine, how and where we do our jobs, our privacy, our ability to move about our community, where and how we go to school, how and where we shop, social interactions with family and friends, the ability to have complete funerals or memorial services for those who have died…..These are frustrating and difficult losses.  Some of our current Losses cause more and complicate Grief we would experience without the Pandemic.  We are grieving for our way of life and the aspects of our lives that are gone.  At the same time we are redefining our daily lives.  For some of us the adjustments are frustrating, for others brutal.  

Yet, there are worse Losses during the Pandemic.  Some of us are grieving and worrying about the loss of; our jobs, our unemployment income, our health insurance, our cars, our ability to support our families and ourselves, our health, the lives of family and friends we may not be able to be with when they are very ill or dying…to mention a few.    

All of these Losses are complicated, more so than Losses usually are.  Much of what we have lost today can cause terrifying consequences.  Losing your job is grief enough but add the fear of not being able to find another or not being able to support your family makes it overwhelming.  It must be horrifying to lose your health insurance, particularly insurance for a family, when we are in the midst of a Pandemic and we hear tales of six figure medical bills.  Income Losses can result in evictions, foreclosures, losing our savings or retirement, destroying credit ratings and more.  

Due to the civil unrest resulting from the necessary protests to protect the lives and dignity of African Americans, to the civil unrest caused by Police brutality and the terror of seeing civilians walk the streets unchecked in body armor with automatic weapons unafraid to use them on other civilians, we have lost any sense of security for our own persons or others. We have lost the safety of our towns, if we are part of groups that ever had safety, and our sense of fairness and protection.  At this time our country is not what it has been.  We not only grieve our personal, financial, health, social, security and family Losses, we also grieve the Loss of who and what our country has been.  This grief has been crippling for some who had ultimate faith in who we were as a people.

Many of us try to prioritize Losses.  We believe one is worse or harder to endure than the other.

If all things were equal that might be true.  But, life and how it is lived is very off balance now.  More importantly, how deeply we feel and what is important to us has never been based on one standard.  A particular Loss may bring one person to their knees while another experiencing the same Loss may feel differently enough to move through it stoically.   

During this Pandemic it is important to remember that death is not the only Loss we are grieving.  When we run into other shoppers or neighbors we have no idea what losses they are enduring.  For many of us this is a frightening, or even terrifying time, It is my hope that keeping this in mind may make us a bit more sensitive, gentle and compassionate with each other.   We may even be more supportive and helpful of each other.  

FUNERALS AND MEMORIAL SERVICES DURING A PANDEMIC

There is nothing more heartbreaking and life changing than the death of someone we love.  The most fundamental expectation after such a death is a gathering of others who are also grieving or who want to demonstrate their support for us.  Communal rituals such as funerals, memorial services, saying Kaddish, sitting Shiva all provide us with moments of feeling less alone and begin aware of the strength and scope of the community of friends and family who care about us and the person who died.  During a Pandemic even these rituals and ceremonies are at best complicated and at worst non-existent, leaving us with a feeling of incompleteness and floundering over how to respond to our loss without the traditions we expect.There are no easy answers for the questions of how to memorialize, say goodbye or celebrate a life that has ended when communal gatherings are either forbidden or unsafe.  Each consideration makes decisions more complicated and difficult.  

However, these drastic changes do not mean that there is no way to say a formal or semi-traditional farewell.  Let us look at some of the options that are available.

When there is warm weather many of us gather for outdoor, socially-distanced gatherings and services.  Some of us are hold online or virtual services, or stream the services that are attended by 10 to 20 people.  I have also heard from many of you who are postpone any service until a time when there can be a large gathering.   If you live in temperate climates outdoor services will remain an option regardless the season.  In colder weather some climates will make outdoor services of any length challenging or impossible.

 Should there be another shutdown we all will be left with the a service of maybe 10-12 socially distanced mourners with no hugging or touching.  We will feel isolated even more than we naturally do after a death.  Some might choose the online services and virtual gatherings mentioned before.  Sometimes technology can make the unbearable a bit easier.  At least we could share our memories and grief and create the best community we can.   But, for some of us these technological gatherings are either beyond our limited capabilities or they are simply an additional reminder of just how isolated and distantly alone we are left with our grief, without the presence and touch of the people we need to be with us. 

What may seem to be the two best options during this time also create serious complications in moving through grief.  The first option is to postpone all services until such a time as there is a vaccine or the Pandemic is under control.  In truth, no one knows how long that will take.  The absence of any service usually leaves those who have lost someone with a sense of incompleteness in the business of grieving.  The other option would be to hold an intimate service immediately following a death and then arrange a large gathering later for a celebration of life.   In either case, the absence of usual tradition, ritual and community can cause us to feel that our grief must either be put on hold, stuffed down or resolved by the time of the real, large, official goodbye.  We  are left in a limbo of loss in which we feel that the fullness of our grief must be private and contained.  This places in an immense burden on those of us who have the most to grieve and complicates our ability to move through our feelings. 

The other reality in postponing a service, and one few people talk about, is that whenever that service finally happens, regardless of the grief process one feels they have moved through, those closest to the one who died may return to the powerful, overwhelming grief that they initially felt when the death occurred.  I have heard repeatedly after a delayed service, “I feel as though I just lost them again.”   I have witnessed this so often that I advise families to consider this when making a decision about the timing of a service.  When a service does finally happen those more distant from the loss do not understand the deep grief that envelops those most effected by the death.  People believe that with time between a death and a postponed service that the family should have moved through their grief and be in “better” shape during and after the service.  Often just the opposite is true and we leave people isolated in their reborn grief because of our misunderstanding.  We never complete or finish grieving.  The process for all of us is to move through our grief and learn to live accepting the loss we have endured.  And, grief can be very fluid moving in and out of our lives in its surprising own time and pace.

We are now living in a time when many of us will have to postpone a large gathering because these rituals simply cannot happen when and how they usually would.  There is no choice.  I state this not to encourage people to have large gatherings when they are not safe.  I want those of us enduring a loss and those who will be giving support to understand that the Pandemic makes grief more complicated and, perhaps, causes its initial power to last longer than usual, or to recur at a later time.  If we recognize these facts we can be more sensitive to those who have suffered the death of a loved one and we can be more aware of what awaits us.  

It is also true that while the Pandemic lasts there are some people who will ignore every suggested and/or mandated health measures and hold whatever size service they want with many people attending.  That might give the comfort of a communal farewell, but it will be tempered by concern for those with health concerns and whose attendance may have put them at risk.  There may also be a sense of responsibility if someone does end up ill or carries a life-threatening virus to a broader community.

So what do we do when someone we love dies during a Pandemic?  In the midst of an immediate loss it can be hard to make even simple decisions.  If you can begin by simply accepting that there are circumstances beyond your control and that your choices will be different than they would in a different time, you will lessen some of the frustration and guilt over not being able to make the choices we usually expect.  Take the time to consider your own needs as well as preferences, and talking with family and close friends who know you well can help you choose which of the options is best for you.  Understand that no solutions will feel perfect.  Choose what feels the closest to what you would usually plan.

Whether you belong to a temple or church there are many clergy, some non-denominational, and grief specialists ready to help you plan whatever service you choose.  They can guide you through what can best meet your needs and honor your loved one.  You and your family or friends can plan your own service but that places extra pressure on people who are grieving.  It also puts you in a frame of mind that pulls you away from the grief you need to feel.  It is also difficult to think rather than feel when you are hurting.  Someone with experience might create a service you and family cannot imagine.  If your loved one left instructions they can be helpful to whomever plans the service.  If you are working with a Funeral Home they may have recommendations of people experienced in planning and conducting warm and sensitive services, respectful of your wishes.  However you choose to proceed, trust that you have made the best decisions you can.  

If someone you know or the Funeral Home you are working with is technologically adept there may be many more options than you realize.  Streaming services, virtual gatherings all may feel unfamiliar but if they are the only alternative they may be more helpful than you imagine.  There may come a time when we feel much more comfortable with and feel comforted by such gatherings than we are currently.  Because of the Pandemic that time may come much sooner than it would have otherwise.

Try to remember the complications that these different services and gatherings can cause in the long run.  Sometimes simply being prepared for a reaction can lessen its effect.  If you can, be gentle with yourself.  When we are grieving we feel that others cannot fully understand what we are experiencing.  We also fear that they cannot help in the ways we most need support.  I have learned how incredibly hard, or nearly impossible it can feel to ask for help or support following a death.  When people could be around you some of them might have anticipated or understood what you needed.  If that is not an option push yourself, as best you can, to do just that.  When people cannot be visiting you or having you over for dinner it will be hard for them to gauge what you need or how they can help.  You may need to be more vocal and up front about how you are doing and what you are feeling.  Even if you can begin by opening up to one person, it may allow a cascade of support that you need.

If the goodbye feels unfinished you can hold a service or celebration at a later time.  You can also plan a commemoration at a stone setting in the cemetery or on the anniversary of someone’s death or birth.  If cremation was chosen, a second service can be held to distribute or release ashes.  Be creative in planning what works for you.  

However, you choose to say an “official” farewell, know that you have done the best you can at a complicated time and that you did our best to honor the person who has died.  Nothing about this time is perfect.  Doing our best is the “perfect” of the day.  If you managed a heartfelt and respectful goodbye, you have chosen the best options before you.   

HOW TO HELP SOMEONE WHO IS GRIEVING DURING THE PANDEMIC

If you are concerned about someone who is struggling with grief during the Pandemic here are a few suggestions.  As always I start with my standard guidelines for supporting someone who is grieving.  Keep in mind that this is not about you.  Remember that they may grieve differently than you and need different support than you would.  If you believe it is not about you then you will be more open and willing to learn what the grieving person needs and wants.

Before you make any commitment, be honest with yourself. Do not judge yourself for how you answer the following questions.  You will do more harm than good if you convince yourself that you will offer more of yourself than you can give.  Think about:   Is this someone you are close with and whose grief you want to share?  How important is this person to you?  Is this someone you feel the need to contact once and then step back?  Can you commit (to yourself) to contact them regularly?  If you were close to the person who died are you too devastated by this death to offer anything to someone else?  Are you grieving but willing to share their, not your own, grief?  Do you like this person enough to reach out from your feelings for them or would contact come from your sense of duty?  Do you care enough about them or the person who died to be willing to support them for an extended time?  Would you be contacting them because you think you know what someone who is grieving needs or are you willing to learn what this individual needs?  Once you are clear about the level of support you are wiling to provide and why you want to provide it then you know what you should and should not offer.  

Do not judge yourself for your answers.  It is better to be honest with yourself and know level of involvement you can handle than to disappoint or let down the person who has suffered the loss.   When someone is already isolated and hurting it only makes it more painful to have others hint that they want to be of help and then have them not follow through.  You may not be able to do more than make a phone call every two or three weeks, or once a month.  You may be close enough to stop by a couple of times a week or to drop of a meal twice a month.  Perhaps you are too hurt or angry to offer much of yourself at all.  That is understandable.  Relationships can be complicated.  You may be willing to send a card or a note a month for a few or several months.   Make the commitment that best suits you and that you can keep for as long as you can.  Do not feel you have to make this commitment explicit to the person who is grieving.  It would hurt them too much if you were not able to keep it.  Make the commitment to yourself and do your best to honor it.  

As important as the commitment of time or involvement you are willing to make are the reasons you want to be supportive.  Hopefully, your desire to be supportive comes from a place of love, selflessness and the willingness to be open enough to learn how this person experiences their grief and what they need.  If this is the case then you will be more likely to keep whatever commitment you make.  Respect the boundaries of privacy or time they might need.  Also, remember that it never helps to be told what we should be feeling, or how we should get over or handle our grief.  Unless they ask for your own experience with loss do not share it.  If you listen well enough you will learn what they need and want.

Should you decide you want to reach out, begin by telling them that they have been in your thoughts and you wanted to let them know that.  Do not expect anything from them other than for them to feel what they are feeling and be how they are.  If you feel their hesitation at your call, or you hear some form of “Leave me alone!” or “Back off!” hear it as a statement of how they feel and what they need.  This is a time to remind yourself constantly that this is not about you but about the person grieving.  If they say “No” hear that as a statement of what they can or cannot handle, not a reflection of their feelings about you.  Boundaries should be respected.  And, a “Leave me alone.”  may mean “for now.” not permanently. 

If you can visit, honor whatever social distancing practices they need in order to be comfortable that do not put you at risk. Sit outside.  Sit in the garage.  Wear masks, sit six feet apart in their home if that is necessary.  If they want personal visits, making those visits may be the most important thing you can do.  If a personal visit feels intrusive to them, call.  

If you are unsure what is helpful and what is not, ask them!  Do not assume that you know what would help.  When someone we care for is hurting we naturally want to offer comfort. But what comforts us may not comfort someone else.  For example, some of us have a strong faith and hearing words from our traditions are essential when life is hard. That might not be helpful for someone else.  Remember this is not about you. 

Be guided by your compassion.  Imagine yourself in their situation.  Do not tell someone what they should do or what would help.  Telling someone what helps or what they need to do is NOT helping.  Listen.  Listen.  Listen.  If they tell you the same story keep listening.  Time and repetition are irrelevant when you are grieving.  Only by listening, not by thinking, will you know what will truly support them.  

If they ask you to find out what options for individual and group support exist, share what you have learned and leave them alone to choose to participate or not.  If they mention that they appreciate meals brought to them - ask if they would like you to contact some other friends or family about delivering meals or groceries.  Do not act on their behalf without their permission.  Our lives become out of our control when someone we love dies.  Any control we can return in their lives is helpful.    

Yes, this is an isolating time.  That does not mean that we have to further isolate those who are grieving because things feel different for us and we are unsure of how to act.  An offer of support is better received than being told what will help.  Reaching out in compassion is usually appreciated.  Your presence on the phone or in person and your willingness to listen and be consistent might be the best things you can do. Better said, You and simply your presence may be more supportive than anything you can do or say.  Being there means more than doing and talking and trying to fix.  I often hear people say how frustrating it is that almost everyone was trying to fix them when they someone they loved died.  It was the people them who simply listened and who expected nothing from them but simply accepted their feelings and thoughts as they were, that helped the most.  

HOW DO WE GRIEVE A DEATH DURING A PANDEMIC?

How are we expected to handle death, loss and grief during the current Covid-19 Pandemic?  The simple answer is, with difficulty.  

We all know what is missing - our traditional, expected, needed, comforting rituals and ceremonies, the community of mourners that always follow the death of a loved one.  When someone we love dies we expect to be surrounded by people we love and who care for us.  We gather as family and friends, fellow mourners.  We share our grief, memories, love and strength.    We plan funerals and memorial services that allow us an official and public goodbye.  People visit, invite us over, drop off meals, send cards and call to check on us.  Our grief may be private but the aspect of public mourning and the sharing of the loss make us feel less alone and not isolated for a bit.  

This is the number one way the Pandemic complicates Grief.  Isolation!  We are left isolated with our grief.  We are isolated from others also grieving.  We are isolated from those who love us and whom we love.  We are denied a large gathering to share the loss and memories.  There may be no gathering at all.  Few if any people stop by or send over meals.  There may be cards but fewer calls because no one knows what to say.  We are isolated from all the traditions and norms that we expect and need when someone we love dies.  We are left floundering with feelings too hard to get through alone, and few people to abide with us.

Some of us are also filled with guilt and/or frustration that we were unable to be with the person who was ill and dying.  The grief for time lost and the frustration of knowing your loved one was alone, without you to comfort or advocate, must be overwhelmingly painful.  

How much more lonely it is to lose someone you love and not be allowed to be embraced by a larger community of family, friends, a faith community or a work cohort.  Grief and Isolation are not friends.  Grief alone is painful, heartbreaking, life-changing, and isolating.  Currently, severe and long-term isolation increase every aspect of grieving.  Although no other human being can fully know our grief, the sharing of our grief or the attention of others can provide some comfort.

Some of us normally prefer to grieve alone but we know we can count on certain family members or friends to interrupt our aloneness to visit or have us over for dinner.  I believe that having those options removed will make grieving even more complicated for true introverts who prefer private grief and intolerable for those of us who need contact and interaction with others.  We are social animals and the society of others can briefly ease our pain and provide us with connection that, even though it can never replace the contact of the one who has died, can remind us that we are not totally alone.

Just as another person’s love and society, no matter how sincere and welcome, cannot replace the love and society of the person we have lost, online services and gatherings cannot replace the power and support of gathering with others in person.  

I have been doing outdoor, intimate and online funerals and memorial services as well as individual video and phone Grief Support since the Pandemic began.  I believe this helps.  But, at times I fear it is not nearly enough.  I have done Grief Support for 25 years and it never felt so incomplete.  That is because one person, even a specialist, cannot replace the usual connection with family and friends.  This Pandemic has left us all feeling as though there is more we should be doing.

I wish I had easy and sure suggestions for you who are grieving during this time.  I realize that anything I suggest will be welcomed by some and but feel awkward or impossible to others.  That is always the case, as we are not all the same people.  I will offer one suggestion.  If you know what you need, risk asking for it, even if asking for help is the last thing in the world you would normally do.  Think of it as asking for support.  If you think that visits from family or friends would help, do not feel that you need to ask every individual.  Let the one person who calls know that visits would be greatly appreciated and let them make the calls.  I would not place the responsibility on you to initiate what you need from many people.  This may just one other aspect of how much harder it is to grieve right now.  

Consider online visits with family and friends on a regular basis or an online group chat.  Even if the technology is new the result could be much more helpful than you think.  Reach out to someone who does Grief Support or Counseling online or over the phone.  Again, even if the format if foreign remember that the circumstances in which you are grieving are foreign to everyone.  It is time to try something new and different.

Some of you will need to find a group, even if online, and some of you will find talking with one person to be as much as you can handle.  Any support you choose will have moments when it feels difficult or painful, that is grief.  However, if it feels wrong or more uncomfortable than you can tolerate remember you can leave and make use of other options for support.  

No one can make it better.  With luck you will find something or someone who will journey with you as you move through your own grief process.   Remember that grief is a process that seems to ebb and flow at its own pace.  Although many aspects of grief are similar, each person’s experience is unique.  Do not expect your grief to behave like someone else’s.  It is your own as was your relationship with the person who has died.  Your grief will surprise you by the times when it eases and overwhelms you.      

If someone you love has died during this Pandemic, my heart hurts for you.  I cannot fully imagine how lost and lonely and frustrated you must feel in addition to the grief that overwhelms you.  This is an unusual time in which to try to find your way through all of the feelings and thoughts within you.  When you are experiencing the most painful times if you do not live with or regularly see people who know you well you may have to push yourself a bit and reach out.  Hopefully you have someone in your life who will not need you so say much for them to understand you are struggling.  We all do.  Grief hurts and you know that better than most right now.  

Trust that those who love and care for you want to help, even if they seem clueless.  No one knows how to handle death and grief right now.   Hold on to whatever family member, friend, faith, memory, pet, support, hobby, book…you can.  The world feels different.  The care and support to help you through this time may be different.  Yet, just as people have made it through the worst of their grief before and found a way to live with the loss in a way that does not limit their lives, so will you.  It may just be a stranger journey and it may take a bit longer.  Hold on to love wherever and whenever you can.   And, when you need it and when you can - ask for support.