From "MOST OF WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT GRIEF IS WRONG"
by Patricia Shelden MDiv

If anyone or any group ever tells you that you need to or can find closure from a devastating Loss, or that you can recover from Grief, I strongly suggest that you avoid them. When we lose someone we love we are left with a hole inside of us that cannot be filled. We cannot replace who or what we lost. If we could their absence would not be so horribly painful.

We ache to hear that person's voice, to see them turn a corner, to smell their hair or, we painfully long to sit and feel their warmth next to us even if we cannot touch them. We are left with an emptiness that could only be filled by the person we have lost. Whether they have died or are so lost to us that we will never see them again, that aching, cold, hollow part of us cannot ever be warmed or healed.

This does not mean that we cannot go on without them or that our life will never again include moments of happiness. It means that we are Grieving. GRIEF IS NOT A PATHOLOGICAL PROBLEM TO BE CURED! IT IS AN HONEST AD HONORABLE HUMAN EMOTION IN RESPONSE TO THE LOSS OF ONE WE HAVE LOVED. AS SUCH GRIEF IS TO BE HONORED AND RESPECTED. It needs to be expressed however we ourselves can release and express it.

This does not mean that you are required to grieve in any way that is foreign or unauthentic for you. Some people do cry as they grieve but not everyone will or is required to cry. Some of us release and express our Grief through our art or our writing. Some of us talk about it. Some of us seldom will. Some of us simply need uninterrupted time to allow our feelings and thoughts to flow or for them to be what they need to be. Some of us exercise to the point of exhaustion. There are so many ways to release our pain and Grief. And, as long as they are not harmful to ourselves and others they should be respected.

After that surreal, initial time in which we struggle to accept and come to terms with our Loss, we should be permitted the room and time to release and express our Grief, to honor what we are feeling. After a bit, as long as we can complete the functions of our daily lives; paying bills, bathing, eating - something, washing our dishes and clothes.....then those who love and care for us should respect our need to mourn.

How can we not mourn who and what we have loved and lost? Imagine, or for those of us who have experienced the unimaginable horror and Grief that follows the death of your child, how can that hole ever be filled or totally healed? How can we live without ever again seeing or touching them, and not carry with us the pain of their Loss?

How on earth are we supposed to find to find "closure" from such a huge absence in our lives? How can we "recover" from a gaping wound for which there is no cure nor any permanent healing?

We do not. We cannot. If we think we have, we have only closed off the part of our heart that felt the Grief from the Loss of who we loved beyond words.

I have spent 21 years listening to grieving parents, wives, husbands, children, siblings, grandparents, friends all describe the pain and absence from losing those they have loved. The words and situations are different but the similarities are powerful and consistent. Anyone who allows themselves to fully experience the feelings and thoughts that accompany our greatest Losses will tell you that the pain never goes away, it does not disappear nor does is their true closure. For some of us that pain may become a bit more diffuse or quieter. Yet, we carry it with us always, as we always carry the love we have for this person.

It may take months, years, whatever length of time you need for your Grief to become a constant, familiar friend who no longer needs center stage but that stays with us as long as our love remains. The two, Love and Grief, become intertwined in a way that ensures they can never be separated. Eventually, they do NOT render us hopeless for the remainder of our lives. For we have Loved well and deeply and that privilege and gift is an unbreakable, inescapable joy. As we love so do we grieve.

I have no interest in guiding people to "recovery" or "closure" from their Loss. For those of you enduring a Loss that feels too powerful for you to ever escape it, I recommend this: Let your Grief have it's due, let it be what it needs to be. Let it flow and be released as you need it to be. And, trust that..., as a mother in a support group said, "A time will come when you will remember the good times and they will not hurt. You hold on for that."

Hold on, my Friends. When you can release your Grief in whatever non-harmful way you can - express it freely. And, trust that the others that have preceded you in living with such devastatingly painful Losses are right. The Grief becomes a part of your Love. The two inseparable. But, in time, we pray that the Love will be the more powerful of what we feel.
Until then, Hold on. Find and connect with those who love and understand you. And, whenever you can - Love.