So often we avoid those who are grieving. We do not admit that we are avoiding them. Sometimes we dress it up in images of us being magnanimous. We say, "I know they need their space right now." or "If I was in their shoes I'd want time alone to heal." Even when we run into someone whose grief and pain are so profound that even the most obtuse of us can feel it - we try to step aside with thoughts of "I don't know what to say." or "I don't want to say the wrong thing and make it worse for them." No matter how we rationalize our choice we are leaving another human being alone, empty, singled out and aching for the sincere and open contact of a warm, caring person....because it would make us feel uncomfortable because we are being selfish.

Yes, sometimes when we grieve mightily we do need and want to be alone. Most of us can and should own that and say it if that is how we feel. But to leave another person whose arms and hands and heart are painfully empty, without the comfort of presence, the support of caring, the gift of human warmth - is cowardice.

Have I been a coward when it came to another's grief? You bet! I have avoided and rationalized with the best of us. More than once, I openly admit it. That does not justify anyone else's isolationist choice. I admit this to say that I understand the discomfort and fear of not knowing what to say, what to do. But for those of us not grieving, discomfort and fear are not valid reasons to avoid compassion.

I do not believe that acknowledgment of another's pain and the compassion to respond to it are too much to expect of ourselves. We are creatures with the capacity to care and to help each other. Any of us whose hearts have been so wounded by Loss that we could not imagine putting our feet on the floor or going through the motions of a day with anything close to honest normalcy know the ache and emptiness to which I refer. Why then would we at least not acknowledge that we notice the pain and grief of another?

We are at our best when we reach out, when we connect with each other and stand with each other heart to heart, even if just for a few minutes. Be your best. The only words worth speaking are "I am so sorry." Next, be still and quiet rather than ramble on with platitudes and risk putting your foot in someone's mouth or on their heart.

Be brave. Once you have you will realize that you can survive it. More importantly, you will have kept another person from feeling invisible in their grief. And, that is worth all the effort.