I cannot tell you how many times I have heard “That has to be the worst kind of Loss, and the most painful Grief” Usually, this is attributed to the loss of a child, although many times I have heard people use similar statements about the Loss of a spouse, particularly when the marriage has been long term. I have encountered those whose Grief was devastating after the Loss of family heirlooms or their careers or the death of friends. It sounds so scientific to measure and categorize the types of Losses and the volume and intensity of Grief.
The benefit of such judgements regarding Loss and the Grief is that they allow others to pass judgment on the value of another person’s Loss and how they are exhibiting their Grief. The truth is that no one other than those in a relationship know the experiences, struggles, connections and emotions involved. When we speak of someone else’s particular Loss we have no idea of exactly what they are feeling and experiencing. I have heard well-meaning but judgmental comments about someone else’s Loss and Grief more times than I want to remember, “She has been crying way too much. It is time to stop.” “It’s been several months. Why can’t he just move on with his life?” “I imagine it hurts. But, come on! Life goes on!” “I think he needs therapy to get over the death of his wife.”
Of course passing judgement on another’s Loss and Grief is no different than other judgements we make or endure. We judge those who are less fortunate because we believe we can learn how to avoid their situation from the wrong choices they made. We judge the behavior, dress, and mistakes of women who are raped to ensure that we women and the women we love are safe as long as we avoid those mistakes, choosing to not see the raped woman as a victim or survivor but as the Unfortunate. We point out to our children the wrongs and mistakes of those who are addicted, and mentally ill so they will not grow up to fall victim to these problems and our future disappointments as if they were chosen and developed intentionally.
The problem with any judgment of another person is that we have no idea what their life experience has been, so we judge blindly and often wrongly. The prime problem with such judgments as they pertain to the Losses and Grief of others is that they desensitize us to the pain of Grief and the ache of Loss. Judging others gives us distance from them and their plight. Judging gives us the choice to decide that someone is not handling or expressing their Grief correctly and the certainty that we would handle things differently, better. It gives us the choices to categorize and analyze their pain intellectually and ignore the inherent emotions.
I will not disagree that some Losses appear to be more painful and harder to bear than others.
However, after journeying for over 20 years with people who are grieving I am positive that I have no idea how someone else feels about their Loss and Grief and what they are experiencing unless they tell me. There are similarities in some Losses and Grief. Yet, each person feels and experiences them uniquely due to the nuances and individuality of their relationships. We each heal in our own time and way, as fully as we can.
These judgments, even if not spoken, are felt. The result is that they leave alone the person who is in pain and might be desperate for anyone to try to understand. Better yet, they may simply need someone who is willing to accept that their Loss and Grief are their own and not open to interpretation or judgment.
