Either / Or versus Both / And

from "MOST OF WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT LOSS AND GRIEF IS WRONG" 
by Patricia A. Shelden MDiv

Most of our lives we think in terms of Either/Or. Either we take the job or we do not. Either we buy a house now or wait for a better market . Either we go on vacation or we build that deck we want. Some of us try to maintain an Either/Or view of the world and people even during a time of grief. Either we allow our own grief to show or we hold it in because other family members are grieving. Either we keep our emotions in check during the service or we will be a sobbing mess.

A time of grieving and mourning is not a time for Either/Or thinking. It is a time for Both/And. We can allow Both our own emotions to flow And not interfere in the grieving of other family members. We can Both grieve And support others who are also grieving. We can Both be a mess And still function well enough to get by for a while. (Besides what is wrong with being a mess when we have lost someone or something we really love?) We can Both talk about what we have lost (person, place or thing) And not push people away with our honesty.

The danger of maintaining an Either/Or world view while we are grieving is that there is a price to pay when we try to control our feelings in order to act inauthentically. If our Mother dies and we think we can Either keep our own feelings hidden Or upset our Father more, we pay an emotional price of intensified stress and anxiety for holding in those feelings. If we lose our job and we choose to Either let our spouse know how frightened we are Or keep our fears hidden for their sake, we carry a heavy burden alone and damage our relationship because of the lack of honesty and sharing.

There is nothing wrong with letting our Grief be what it needs to be. It is our American tough image that causes us to think our tears and sorrow are a sign of weakness. Actually, they are signs of how deeply we loved and were connected. Grief is our response to losing what we love. Will expressing your grief get in the way of how well you function at work and home? Possibly. But expressing your grief will not limit your ability to function as much as holding those feelings in will. If we spend emotional energy holding in feelings of loss and grief we will not be able to give our full attention and energy to work or anything else.

When I lost my grandmother there were a few times when I simply told the office that I was having a “grandmother moment,” closed my door, wept or simply let the grief be for a few minutes. Then in a few minutes when I opened my door and resumed work I had cleared my focus and could return to work with more energy and interest. Not everyone works in a place where it is possible to make such a statement and close an office door but most of us work where we take breaks or can go to the restroom for a moment and let our Grief be what it needs to there. Even a few minutes can help.

Allowing our feelings of Grief, after any profound Loss, to be what they need to be actually helps us heal and move through our Grief more quickly and in a more healthy way than if we held our Grief in tightly and tried to deny it. Over my 20 plus years working with Loss and Grief I have witnessed countless times when the person who least expressed their Grief became the one who became us ill or unable to maintain relationships or work.

Grief hurts! By being honest with yourself and expressing your Grief in whatever way best suits you, you can come through it much in a more healthy way.

Be Careful What You Say

From MOST OF WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT LOSS AND GRIEF IS WRONG
By Patricia Shelden, MDiv

For years, I have listened to those who are grieving talk about the stupid things people say to them. Usually, they understand the person’s good intent. They realize that the person who said a very hurtful or insulting thing to them may actually have been trying to be supportive or understanding. Yet, people say some extremely stupid and hurtful things to those whose worlds have been destroyed and who are only holding onto normal social behavior by a thread. Some of these comments threaten to cut that thread moving the one grieving into anger at the least and indignation and fury at the worst.

Perhaps this is best understood if I share of some the inappropriate and hurtful comments I have heard or heard about. The first example is the easiest in which to understand the hurtfulness in a response that someone received over and over. The woman’s husband committed suicide by hanging himself in their home. This was a horrible shock and it took a while before her grief appeared because she was so devastated. There was also the trauma of having found him dead.

However, she often spoke of her anger at the large number of people who said, “Hang in there.” to her. The manner of her husband’s death was made public so there was no chance that these people were ignorant of what the word “hanging” could evoke from her. It got to the point that she just silently walked away from the people who said this rather than risk blowing up at them, making her the center of attention she did not want.

I was once with young parents whose gorgeous baby girl just died on an Easter Sunday. While they were still in shock at their daughter's sudden death a relative approached them and said, “I know your daughter is in Heaven having the most beautiful Easter with God.” The grieving father turned on her and shouted, “Then he should have taken someone else’s child and left me with mine!”

It seems difficult for some people to think before they speak. I am sure that our cultural avoidance of any issue having to do with Loss and Grief is part of this difficulty. But, common sense and a tiny bit of consideration would eliminate many such painful exchanges.

People ask new widows and/or widowers when they plan to remarry, or suggest that the person remarry before too long so they do not get lonely. I once heard someone say to a grieving parent that Jesus took their child because he needed another beautiful flower in his garden. This father’s response was much less kind than the father mentioned earlier.

People want to ask those who are grieving details of how their loved one died. Are people really that stupid that they cannot think that talking or even being asked to talk about that might be hurtful and upsetting. We need to think less about what makes us more comfortable in these difficult encounters with someone who has suffered a loss and focus a bit more on them and how what we say might affect them.

One response I will never understand is the need for some people to try to say something funny to get the grieving person to smile by telling them a joke or using a cute turn of phrase. If you need someone whose heart is broken into a million pieces to smile for you to feel comfortable then please stay home and away from these situations. Getting someone to smile is an indication that YOU cannot handle being around grief. Please do not dismiss someone else’s pain in this way.

I believe most of us have made some version of a mistake in talking with someone who is in the midst of profound grieve. If so, forgive yourself for being awkward, we have almost all done this before we knew better. But, please learn from it.

The most respectful statements and comments we can make are to acknowledge the person’s loss and our understanding that this is painful. It is best to simply say, “I am so sorry for your Loss.” and be done. Kindness, compassion and warmth are what we need most when we are grieving. “I’m sorry.” offers all of them.

How to truly be supportive to one who is grieving and how we usually get in our own way

from "MOST OF WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT LOSS AND GRIEF IS WRONG"
by Patricia A. Shelden MDiv

photo: Anne Hoskins

Most of us are uncomfortable around people who have recently endured a painful loss and those who are grieving for a long time after a Loss. I can understand. We do not want to say something stupid, something that might hurt or make the person feel any worse than they already do. So, we often take the least painful approach....we avoid them. Oh, was I not clear that this is the least painful approach for us who are uncomfortable around someone else's grief?

What makes us most uncomfortable is the illusion that we have the power to change how someone feels. Nothing could be less possible. Think of a time when you were very hurt emotionally. Remember that feeling of being lost in that pain and unable to climb out of it. Was there anything anyone else could have said that would have altered Your feelings, made YOU feel better, put everything in a different light or help YOU to understand it all differently. Of course not!

Yet, we stumble, and hem and haw, and mumble when we cannot avoid someone who is grieving. Or, much worse, we think we know just what the grieving person needs to hear. I know this has happened when I hear remarks like, "At least I got her to laugh." or "I never mentioned his dead mother because I didn't want to make him any more sad." Do we honestly assume that we know best what someone else needs to hear? Especially when we assume that what they do need to hear does not honor, or even acknowledge, their loss and grief?

Here are My Three Ground Rules about what to say and do around someone who is mourning. These are not very complex thoughts but they will serve you and others well when you are unsure about how to behave or what to say around someone whose grief is making you feel uncomfortable.

1. WHEN IN DOUBT SHUT UP!
2. DON'T JUST DO SOMETHING, STAND THERE!
3. IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT YOU, YOU ARE WAY OFF TRACK!

If you cannot think of what to say then simply say "I'm sorry for your Loss." and be quiet. You do not help when you avoid acknowledging the pain someone is feeling. So, acknowledge it and be done. What else is there to say?

If you are busying yourself getting someone a chair or a glass of water you are not focusing on them nor allowing them to set the mood. You will never know if the person who is grievingwants to talk or not, or if they want company or not because you will be too busy trying to anticipate their needs to find out what they truly are.

Because we do not want to see others hurting or grieving we often end up doing or saying what helps us more than it helps the person we want to support. We are not trying to put ourselves first. Most of us would truly love to support the one who is grieving. But, because it is a hard situation and one that brings up uncomfortable feeling for us, too, we sometimes end up keeping our focus on the wrong person, doing what is the most comfortable for us. If you find you are doing this just take a step back and see if you can change your focus.

Acknowledging someone's loss and offering your compassion are the best things you can do. After that let the person who is grieving choose what else the conversation or time together includes. It is the best thing you can do.

Can we recover or find closure from our grief?

From "MOST OF WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT GRIEF IS WRONG"
by Patricia Shelden MDiv

photo: Anne Hoskins

If anyone or any group ever tells you that you need to or can find closure from a devastating Loss, or that you can recover from Grief, I strongly suggest that you avoid them. When we lose someone we love we are left with a hole inside of us that cannot be filled. We cannot replace who or what we lost. If we could their absence would not be so horribly painful.

We ache to hear that person's voice, to see them turn a corner, to smell their hair or, we painfully long to sit and feel their warmth next to us even if we cannot touch them. We are left with an emptiness that could only be filled by the person we have lost. Whether they have died or are so lost to us that we will never see them again, that aching, cold, hollow part of us cannot ever be warmed or healed.

This does not mean that we cannot go on without them or that our life will never again include moments of happiness. It means that we are Grieving. GRIEF IS NOT A PATHOLOGICAL PROBLEM TO BE CURED! IT IS AN HONEST AD HONORABLE HUMAN EMOTION IN RESPONSE TO THE LOSS OF ONE WE HAVE LOVED. AS SUCH GRIEF IS TO BE HONORED AND RESPECTED. It needs to be expressed however we ourselves can release and express it.

This does not mean that you are required to grieve in any way that is foreign or unauthentic for you. Some people do cry as they grieve but not everyone will or is required to cry. Some of us release and express our Grief through our art or our writing. Some of us talk about it. Some of us seldom will. Some of us simply need uninterrupted time to allow our feelings and thoughts to flow or for them to be what they need to be. Some of us exercise to the point of exhaustion. There are so many ways to release our pain and Grief. And, as long as they are not harmful to ourselves and others they should be respected.

After that surreal, initial time in which we struggle to accept and come to terms with our Loss, we should be permitted the room and time to release and express our Grief, to honor what we are feeling. After a bit, as long as we can complete the functions of our daily lives; paying bills, bathing, eating - something, washing our dishes and clothes.....then those who love and care for us should respect our need to mourn.

How can we not mourn who and what we have loved and lost? Imagine, or for those of us who have experienced the unimaginable horror and Grief that follows the death of your child, how can that hole ever be filled or totally healed? How can we live without ever again seeing or touching them, and not carry with us the pain of their Loss?

How on earth are we supposed to find to find "closure" from such a huge absence in our lives? How can we "recover" from a gaping wound for which there is no cure nor any permanent healing? 

We do not. We cannot. If we think we have, we have only closed off the part of our heart that felt the Grief from the Loss of who we loved beyond words.

I have spent 21 years listening to grieving parents, wives, husbands, children, siblings, grandparents, friends all describe the pain and absence from losing those they have loved. The words and situations are different but the similarities are powerful and consistent. Anyone who allows themselves to fully experience the feelings and thoughts that accompany our greatest Losses will tell you that the pain never goes away, it does not disappear nor does is their true closure. For some of us that pain may become a bit more diffuse or quieter. Yet, we carry it with us always, as we always carry the love we have for this person.

It may take months, years, whatever length of time you need for your Grief to become a constant, familiar friend who no longer needs center stage but that stays with us as long as our love remains. The two, Love and Grief, become intertwined in a way that ensures they can never be separated. Eventually, they do NOT render us hopeless for the remainder of our lives. For we have Loved well and deeply and that privilege and gift is an unbreakable, inescapable joy. As we love so do we grieve.

I have no interest in guiding people to "recovery" or "closure" from their Loss. For those of you enduring a Loss that feels too powerful for you to ever escape it, I recommend this: Let your Grief have it's due, let it be what it needs to be. Let it flow and be released as you need it to be. And, trust that..., as a mother in a support group said, "A time will come when you will remember the good times and they will not hurt. You hold on for that."

Hold on, my Friends. When you can release your Grief in whatever non-harmful way you can - express it freely. And, trust that the others that have preceded you in living with such devastatingly painful Losses are right. The Grief becomes a part of your Love. The two inseparable. But, in time, we pray that the Love will be the more powerful of what we feel.
Until then, Hold on. Find and connect with those who love and understand you. And, whenever you can - Love.