TEMPORARY GRIEF IN A TIME OF FEAR? - Life and Loss in the midst of Covid-19

I have often talked about the fact that we have many more Losses that cause Grief than just the big Losses that usually come to mind.  But, what of Temporary Losses?  Can we experience Temporary Grief?  How can Fear influence our sense of Loss?  Can you actually grieve what we hope we will eventually get back? 

I would answer “Yes, but…” If we are certain that what we are currently missing will return than the Grief we feel is not the same as the Grief that consumes us over a permanent Loss.  Many of us are more than missing what has always been our lives.  We miss going to work, the library, shopping, going out to eat.  We miss having the freedom to move about as we want or need.  We miss how things have always been and what we took for granted.  We feel worried and trapped and frightened.   We are both impatient and terrified of getting or giving something so deadly.  In the midst of this we long being with those we love, taking care of family members and sharing our lives with close friends.  We are a jumble of feelings and needs and questions.

I ache to hold my grandsons right now and to touch my elderly mother’s hand.  I want to hug my adult sons and daughter and kiss their cheeks and feel their warmth and love as I hope they would feel mine.  I know that love does not require presence but being together deepens relationships and sustains some of us.  Yet, I know that to do so would be selfish and risky for them as well as for me.  I worry that one of them will become ill, or that I will, and that we will not be able to be present with the each other.  What I feel is nowhere near the Grief I would feel if they died.  It is, however, a powerful sense of Loss and longing.  It hurts and it can be overwhelming.  I comfort myself with video chats, texts, calls as many of us do but we all know it is not the same.  

Then I stop thinking selfishly.  My heart hurts for those of us who have lost our income and ability to work.  How terrifying it is  to worry about not just our rent and mortgage but being able to feed our families and ourselves.  I can only imagine the terror of those who own small businesses - stores, restaurants, bars, etc. and who know that the loss of customers for too long will mean the loss of their business and their employee’s livelihoods .  More than our way of life is at stake.  Our lives are at stake.  And, we are trying to deal with all of this while being cooped up in our apartments and homes, getting on each other’s nerves no matter how hard we try and listen daily to how much worse things are and will be.   

We hope it is temporary.  This is the major issue today and why we are so unsure if what we feel is simply a missing of aspects of our lives or if we are beginning to grieve what was our lives.  The truth is that we do not know.  Fear of the future and of the pandemic’s current grasp of our lives heightens our longing and can cause some of us to move toward Grief.  

We HOPE these limitations and the current smallness of our lives is temporary but we cannot be completely sure.  We also know this virus and its aggressive climb have changed more than our current lives.  It will change our future.  How could it not?  We now know how vulnerable our culture and country were, are and can be.  We know there are no quick fixes and no certainty about the future.

We wonder about a time when the social limitations shift.  Now that many businesses know that working from home and video conferences work how will that change the work environment of the future.  Will Social Distancing become a common part of our future?  Will our country and world become less tribal in response or will blame and anger rule?  Will life ever be the same?

We are also dealing with the realization that our country and world were not prepared for this pandemic in spite of repeated warnings from scientists.  After well publicized calls for Social Distancing and Staying At Home orders many, many ignored them and gathered in huge groups and raised the number of infections.  We are tired of the politicizing of blame and solutions.  So, add anger and frustration to everything else we are feeling.

How do we sort out longing and fear from the start of real Grief?  Let us allow for all of it.  And, while we do, let us hold onto uncertainty.  Perhaps we should now admit to a real feeling of “Temporary Grief.”  If we look back on the temporary losses in our lives most of us will recognize the difference between missing someone and aching for someone, between missing a part of our lives and longing for its return.  Is the ache and longing the exact same as the Grief we experience with a permanent Loss?  Not exactly the same but there are moments when the power of Temporary Grief can feel as powerful and as life-limiting as permanent Grief.

So, let us be patient with each other.  Recognize that who and what we miss may be the most essential pieces of our lives.  Treat yourself and each other with gentleness and the freedom to feel what we feel.  If it feels like Grief it may well be, even if it is Temporary Grief.  Our fear is that today’s Temporary Grief may become tomorrows permanency.  That does not mean that we now should commit to permanently grieving.  Only that fear strengthens our temporary feelings.  

It is permanent reality that brings a Loss that does not change and a Grief that is like no other.  Yet, our present reality and the fear that exists inside of it can make us experience a sense of Temporary Grief.  There are no real stages to our present reality.  Like a strong ocean current our current situation moves daily and flows as it will.  Such is the way of Grief.  We only have where it take us and our response to it.  

As for Temporary Grief, may we respond with focusing on the the word Temporary and allow it to  ground us and make room for some strength to get through this time.  In the moments when it does not, be gentle with yourself and others.  The future is unknown and our guesses about it temporary.  Our ability to support each other through whatever the future holds is permanent.

How we are judged when we hurt

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard “That has to be the worst kind of Loss, and the most painful Grief” Usually, this is attributed to the loss of a child, although many times I have heard people use similar statements about the Loss of a spouse, particularly when the marriage has been long term. I have encountered those whose Grief was devastating after the Loss of family heirlooms or their careers or the death of friends. It sounds so scientific to measure and categorize the types of Losses and the volume and intensity of Grief.

The benefit of such judgements regarding Loss and the Grief is that they allow others to pass judgment on the value of another person’s Loss and how they are exhibiting their Grief. The truth is that no one other than those in a relationship know the experiences, struggles, connections and emotions involved. When we speak of someone else’s particular Loss we have no idea of exactly what they are feeling and experiencing. I have heard well-meaning but judgmental comments about someone else’s Loss and Grief more times than I want to remember, “She has been crying way too much. It is time to stop.” “It’s been several months. Why can’t he just move on with his life?” “I imagine it hurts. But, come on! Life goes on!” “I think he needs therapy to get over the death of his wife.”

Of course passing judgement on another’s Loss and Grief is no different than other judgements we make or endure. We judge those who are less fortunate because we believe we can learn how to avoid their situation from the wrong choices they made. We judge the behavior, dress, and mistakes of women who are raped to ensure that we women and the women we love are safe as long as we avoid those mistakes, choosing to not see the raped woman as a victim or survivor but as the Unfortunate. We point out to our children the wrongs and mistakes of those who are addicted, and mentally ill so they will not grow up to fall victim to these problems and our future disappointments as if they were chosen and developed intentionally.

The problem with any judgment of another person is that we have no idea what their life experience has been, so we judge blindly and often wrongly. The prime problem with such judgments as they pertain to the Losses and Grief of others is that they desensitize us to the pain of Grief and the ache of Loss. Judging others gives us distance from them and their plight. Judging gives us the choice to decide that someone is not handling or expressing their Grief correctly and the certainty that we would handle things differently, better. It gives us the choices to categorize and analyze their pain intellectually and ignore the inherent emotions.

I will not disagree that some Losses appear to be more painful and harder to bear than others.

However, after journeying for over 20 years with people who are grieving I am positive that I have no idea how someone else feels about their Loss and Grief and what they are experiencing unless they tell me. There are similarities in some Losses and Grief. Yet, each person feels and experiences them uniquely due to the nuances and individuality of their relationships. We each heal in our own time and way, as fully as we can.

These judgments, even if not spoken, are felt. The result is that they leave alone the person who is in pain and might be desperate for anyone to try to understand. Better yet, they may simply need someone who is willing to accept that their Loss and Grief are their own and not open to interpretation or judgment.

Don't Let Go

Many of us imagine, and some are told outright, that the process, the Goal, of grieving is to “get over” the feelings of Loss and Pain, that initially fill our hearts.  I could not disagree more.

Our feelings are messy things.  Like some kids separate the peas from the carrots on their dinner plates, some of us believe that we can separate the Grief from Loss, or even more - separate the Pain of Grief from our Memory of the person or thing we have lost.  We are told this is required so that Love and Happiness become pure untarnished memories.  I cannot imagine that is ever possible.  

If we did not Love we would not experience the pain of Grief for our Losses.  In fact, as I have said before, often the power and size of our Grief is equal to the Love we felt for these persons and things when they were in our lives.  In very simple but accurate terms, I love my dog a lot so when my dog dies I grieve a lot.  Had I merely liked my dog my Grief would not be very powerful nor would it hurt so much.

Trying to separate the Love we feel from the Grief we feel is a daunting task.  Instead, I suggest that as we move forward we continue to do both:  Love and Grieve together.  I am not suggesting that every time we smile at a memory of warmth or love that we are immediately brought down into the depths of our Grief.  However, I do believe that it is an inhuman task to try to totally separate our Grief from our memory and feelings of  Love.  Poets and authors often speak of the exquisite pain of Loss due to the deep and exquisite feeling of Love we once felt for someone or something.  I believe they go hand in hand.

For years I have journeyed with people who have lost children, spouses, best friends, lovers, and others whom they deeply loved and who loved them deeply.  I have also attended those who lost things of great importance; their houses, jobs, retirement income, etc.  These individuals lost “things” for which they either felt deep Love or that made their lives what they were.  I remember standing with one man whose house had just burned to the ground.  He kept saying, “I didn’t just lose my furniture, but since much of my furniture was handed down from family, I have lost my connection to my grandparents and parents.  I will never again look around my house remembering from whom things came and feel the love I shared with each person.”  Our “things” and the attachments we have to them come from either the associations we had with those who previously owned them or from the importance they gave to our lives. If you lose your retirement income you have now lost both the money you carefully and intentionally saved for years but you have also lost the future for which you planned and worked.

Just like looking at family heirlooms can make us feel both the love of family and the pain of their loss, we can feel both without this combination of feelings being a negative or limiting thing.  In fact, when we lose people with whom our lives were built and lived, it may be that when we think of them we feel both equally or unevenly, but over time Grief becomes the lesser feeling and Love prevails. 

Years ago, I facilitated a Support Group for Parents whose children died.  One mother returned every year on the anniversary of her son’s death.  this night was the 12th anniversary.  A heartbroken and grieving young mother, who recently lost her eight-week-old first child, asked this other mother how she survived the devastating pain from the death of her child.  The mother attending on the anniversary of her son’s death said, “A day will come when you will remember the good times and it won’t hurt too much.”  “…and it won’t hurt too much.”  That evening she taught us all that there are some losses from which you never fully recover.  Some Losses are too important to ever lose at least an awareness of the pain of Grief.  

However, there will come a time when Grief is not the lead feeling.  It remains.  It is present with every memory of laughter and joy, but…it is not the primary feeling.  That becomes and remains, we hope, - Love.  Grief and Love forever intertwined, as they should be, but Love fills the larger space.  We pray for the day when the Love and warmth of memory come first and Grief remains attached but no longer wields power over Love.  

How to truly be supportive to one who is grieving and how we usually get in our own way

from "MOST OF WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT LOSS AND GRIEF IS WRONG"
by Patricia A. Shelden MDiv

photo: Anne Hoskins

Most of us are uncomfortable around people who have recently endured a painful loss and those who are grieving for a long time after a Loss. I can understand. We do not want to say something stupid, something that might hurt or make the person feel any worse than they already do. So, we often take the least painful approach....we avoid them. Oh, was I not clear that this is the least painful approach for us who are uncomfortable around someone else's grief?

What makes us most uncomfortable is the illusion that we have the power to change how someone feels. Nothing could be less possible. Think of a time when you were very hurt emotionally. Remember that feeling of being lost in that pain and unable to climb out of it. Was there anything anyone else could have said that would have altered Your feelings, made YOU feel better, put everything in a different light or help YOU to understand it all differently. Of course not!

Yet, we stumble, and hem and haw, and mumble when we cannot avoid someone who is grieving. Or, much worse, we think we know just what the grieving person needs to hear. I know this has happened when I hear remarks like, "At least I got her to laugh." or "I never mentioned his dead mother because I didn't want to make him any more sad." Do we honestly assume that we know best what someone else needs to hear? Especially when we assume that what they do need to hear does not honor, or even acknowledge, their loss and grief?

Here are My Three Ground Rules about what to say and do around someone who is mourning. These are not very complex thoughts but they will serve you and others well when you are unsure about how to behave or what to say around someone whose grief is making you feel uncomfortable.

1. WHEN IN DOUBT SHUT UP!
2. DON'T JUST DO SOMETHING, STAND THERE!
3. IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT YOU, YOU ARE WAY OFF TRACK!

If you cannot think of what to say then simply say "I'm sorry for your Loss." and be quiet. You do not help when you avoid acknowledging the pain someone is feeling. So, acknowledge it and be done. What else is there to say?

If you are busying yourself getting someone a chair or a glass of water you are not focusing on them nor allowing them to set the mood. You will never know if the person who is grievingwants to talk or not, or if they want company or not because you will be too busy trying to anticipate their needs to find out what they truly are.

Because we do not want to see others hurting or grieving we often end up doing or saying what helps us more than it helps the person we want to support. We are not trying to put ourselves first. Most of us would truly love to support the one who is grieving. But, because it is a hard situation and one that brings up uncomfortable feeling for us, too, we sometimes end up keeping our focus on the wrong person, doing what is the most comfortable for us. If you find you are doing this just take a step back and see if you can change your focus.

Acknowledging someone's loss and offering your compassion are the best things you can do. After that let the person who is grieving choose what else the conversation or time together includes. It is the best thing you can do.

Can we recover or find closure from our grief?

From "MOST OF WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT GRIEF IS WRONG"
by Patricia Shelden MDiv

photo: Anne Hoskins

If anyone or any group ever tells you that you need to or can find closure from a devastating Loss, or that you can recover from Grief, I strongly suggest that you avoid them. When we lose someone we love we are left with a hole inside of us that cannot be filled. We cannot replace who or what we lost. If we could their absence would not be so horribly painful.

We ache to hear that person's voice, to see them turn a corner, to smell their hair or, we painfully long to sit and feel their warmth next to us even if we cannot touch them. We are left with an emptiness that could only be filled by the person we have lost. Whether they have died or are so lost to us that we will never see them again, that aching, cold, hollow part of us cannot ever be warmed or healed.

This does not mean that we cannot go on without them or that our life will never again include moments of happiness. It means that we are Grieving. GRIEF IS NOT A PATHOLOGICAL PROBLEM TO BE CURED! IT IS AN HONEST AD HONORABLE HUMAN EMOTION IN RESPONSE TO THE LOSS OF ONE WE HAVE LOVED. AS SUCH GRIEF IS TO BE HONORED AND RESPECTED. It needs to be expressed however we ourselves can release and express it.

This does not mean that you are required to grieve in any way that is foreign or unauthentic for you. Some people do cry as they grieve but not everyone will or is required to cry. Some of us release and express our Grief through our art or our writing. Some of us talk about it. Some of us seldom will. Some of us simply need uninterrupted time to allow our feelings and thoughts to flow or for them to be what they need to be. Some of us exercise to the point of exhaustion. There are so many ways to release our pain and Grief. And, as long as they are not harmful to ourselves and others they should be respected.

After that surreal, initial time in which we struggle to accept and come to terms with our Loss, we should be permitted the room and time to release and express our Grief, to honor what we are feeling. After a bit, as long as we can complete the functions of our daily lives; paying bills, bathing, eating - something, washing our dishes and clothes.....then those who love and care for us should respect our need to mourn.

How can we not mourn who and what we have loved and lost? Imagine, or for those of us who have experienced the unimaginable horror and Grief that follows the death of your child, how can that hole ever be filled or totally healed? How can we live without ever again seeing or touching them, and not carry with us the pain of their Loss?

How on earth are we supposed to find to find "closure" from such a huge absence in our lives? How can we "recover" from a gaping wound for which there is no cure nor any permanent healing? 

We do not. We cannot. If we think we have, we have only closed off the part of our heart that felt the Grief from the Loss of who we loved beyond words.

I have spent 21 years listening to grieving parents, wives, husbands, children, siblings, grandparents, friends all describe the pain and absence from losing those they have loved. The words and situations are different but the similarities are powerful and consistent. Anyone who allows themselves to fully experience the feelings and thoughts that accompany our greatest Losses will tell you that the pain never goes away, it does not disappear nor does is their true closure. For some of us that pain may become a bit more diffuse or quieter. Yet, we carry it with us always, as we always carry the love we have for this person.

It may take months, years, whatever length of time you need for your Grief to become a constant, familiar friend who no longer needs center stage but that stays with us as long as our love remains. The two, Love and Grief, become intertwined in a way that ensures they can never be separated. Eventually, they do NOT render us hopeless for the remainder of our lives. For we have Loved well and deeply and that privilege and gift is an unbreakable, inescapable joy. As we love so do we grieve.

I have no interest in guiding people to "recovery" or "closure" from their Loss. For those of you enduring a Loss that feels too powerful for you to ever escape it, I recommend this: Let your Grief have it's due, let it be what it needs to be. Let it flow and be released as you need it to be. And, trust that..., as a mother in a support group said, "A time will come when you will remember the good times and they will not hurt. You hold on for that."

Hold on, my Friends. When you can release your Grief in whatever non-harmful way you can - express it freely. And, trust that the others that have preceded you in living with such devastatingly painful Losses are right. The Grief becomes a part of your Love. The two inseparable. But, in time, we pray that the Love will be the more powerful of what we feel.
Until then, Hold on. Find and connect with those who love and understand you. And, whenever you can - Love.

In This Hour of Holy Stillness

In this hour of holy stillness
we gather
to honor the life and the person we love.

In this hour of Holy Stillness
we remind ourselves that flames of life and love
are never fully extinguished.

In this hour of Holy Stillness
we offer ourselves
for sharing the weight of each other’s grief.

In this hour of Holy Stillness
we offer the strength of our love
to help others survive their pain and grief.

In tis hour of Holy Stillness
we call forth from each of us
the power we offer out of life, out of loss,
out of Love.

 by Patricia Shelden

photo: Anne Hoskins