If you are concerned about someone who is struggling with grief during the Pandemic here are a few suggestions. As always I start with my standard guidelines for supporting someone who is grieving. Keep in mind that this is not about you. Remember that they may grieve differently than you and need different support than you would. If you believe it is not about you then you will be more open and willing to learn what the grieving person needs and wants.
Before you make any commitment, be honest with yourself. Do not judge yourself for how you answer the following questions. You will do more harm than good if you convince yourself that you will offer more of yourself than you can give. Think about: Is this someone you are close with and whose grief you want to share? How important is this person to you? Is this someone you feel the need to contact once and then step back? Can you commit (to yourself) to contact them regularly? If you were close to the person who died are you too devastated by this death to offer anything to someone else? Are you grieving but willing to share their, not your own, grief? Do you like this person enough to reach out from your feelings for them or would contact come from your sense of duty? Do you care enough about them or the person who died to be willing to support them for an extended time? Would you be contacting them because you think you know what someone who is grieving needs or are you willing to learn what this individual needs? Once you are clear about the level of support you are wiling to provide and why you want to provide it then you know what you should and should not offer.
Do not judge yourself for your answers. It is better to be honest with yourself and know level of involvement you can handle than to disappoint or let down the person who has suffered the loss. When someone is already isolated and hurting it only makes it more painful to have others hint that they want to be of help and then have them not follow through. You may not be able to do more than make a phone call every two or three weeks, or once a month. You may be close enough to stop by a couple of times a week or to drop of a meal twice a month. Perhaps you are too hurt or angry to offer much of yourself at all. That is understandable. Relationships can be complicated. You may be willing to send a card or a note a month for a few or several months. Make the commitment that best suits you and that you can keep for as long as you can. Do not feel you have to make this commitment explicit to the person who is grieving. It would hurt them too much if you were not able to keep it. Make the commitment to yourself and do your best to honor it.
As important as the commitment of time or involvement you are willing to make are the reasons you want to be supportive. Hopefully, your desire to be supportive comes from a place of love, selflessness and the willingness to be open enough to learn how this person experiences their grief and what they need. If this is the case then you will be more likely to keep whatever commitment you make. Respect the boundaries of privacy or time they might need. Also, remember that it never helps to be told what we should be feeling, or how we should get over or handle our grief. Unless they ask for your own experience with loss do not share it. If you listen well enough you will learn what they need and want.
Should you decide you want to reach out, begin by telling them that they have been in your thoughts and you wanted to let them know that. Do not expect anything from them other than for them to feel what they are feeling and be how they are. If you feel their hesitation at your call, or you hear some form of “Leave me alone!” or “Back off!” hear it as a statement of how they feel and what they need. This is a time to remind yourself constantly that this is not about you but about the person grieving. If they say “No” hear that as a statement of what they can or cannot handle, not a reflection of their feelings about you. Boundaries should be respected. And, a “Leave me alone.” may mean “for now.” not permanently.
If you can visit, honor whatever social distancing practices they need in order to be comfortable that do not put you at risk. Sit outside. Sit in the garage. Wear masks, sit six feet apart in their home if that is necessary. If they want personal visits, making those visits may be the most important thing you can do. If a personal visit feels intrusive to them, call.
If you are unsure what is helpful and what is not, ask them! Do not assume that you know what would help. When someone we care for is hurting we naturally want to offer comfort. But what comforts us may not comfort someone else. For example, some of us have a strong faith and hearing words from our traditions are essential when life is hard. That might not be helpful for someone else. Remember this is not about you.
Be guided by your compassion. Imagine yourself in their situation. Do not tell someone what they should do or what would help. Telling someone what helps or what they need to do is NOT helping. Listen. Listen. Listen. If they tell you the same story keep listening. Time and repetition are irrelevant when you are grieving. Only by listening, not by thinking, will you know what will truly support them.
If they ask you to find out what options for individual and group support exist, share what you have learned and leave them alone to choose to participate or not. If they mention that they appreciate meals brought to them - ask if they would like you to contact some other friends or family about delivering meals or groceries. Do not act on their behalf without their permission. Our lives become out of our control when someone we love dies. Any control we can return in their lives is helpful.
Yes, this is an isolating time. That does not mean that we have to further isolate those who are grieving because things feel different for us and we are unsure of how to act. An offer of support is better received than being told what will help. Reaching out in compassion is usually appreciated. Your presence on the phone or in person and your willingness to listen and be consistent might be the best things you can do. Better said, You and simply your presence may be more supportive than anything you can do or say. Being there means more than doing and talking and trying to fix. I often hear people say how frustrating it is that almost everyone was trying to fix them when they someone they loved died. It was the people them who simply listened and who expected nothing from them but simply accepted their feelings and thoughts as they were, that helped the most.