There is nothing more heartbreaking and life changing than the death of someone we love. The most fundamental expectation after such a death is a gathering of others who are also grieving or who want to demonstrate their support for us. Communal rituals such as funerals, memorial services, saying Kaddish, sitting Shiva all provide us with moments of feeling less alone and begin aware of the strength and scope of the community of friends and family who care about us and the person who died. During a Pandemic even these rituals and ceremonies are at best complicated and at worst non-existent, leaving us with a feeling of incompleteness and floundering over how to respond to our loss without the traditions we expect.There are no easy answers for the questions of how to memorialize, say goodbye or celebrate a life that has ended when communal gatherings are either forbidden or unsafe. Each consideration makes decisions more complicated and difficult.
However, these drastic changes do not mean that there is no way to say a formal or semi-traditional farewell. Let us look at some of the options that are available.
When there is warm weather many of us gather for outdoor, socially-distanced gatherings and services. Some of us are hold online or virtual services, or stream the services that are attended by 10 to 20 people. I have also heard from many of you who are postpone any service until a time when there can be a large gathering. If you live in temperate climates outdoor services will remain an option regardless the season. In colder weather some climates will make outdoor services of any length challenging or impossible.
Should there be another shutdown we all will be left with the a service of maybe 10-12 socially distanced mourners with no hugging or touching. We will feel isolated even more than we naturally do after a death. Some might choose the online services and virtual gatherings mentioned before. Sometimes technology can make the unbearable a bit easier. At least we could share our memories and grief and create the best community we can. But, for some of us these technological gatherings are either beyond our limited capabilities or they are simply an additional reminder of just how isolated and distantly alone we are left with our grief, without the presence and touch of the people we need to be with us.
What may seem to be the two best options during this time also create serious complications in moving through grief. The first option is to postpone all services until such a time as there is a vaccine or the Pandemic is under control. In truth, no one knows how long that will take. The absence of any service usually leaves those who have lost someone with a sense of incompleteness in the business of grieving. The other option would be to hold an intimate service immediately following a death and then arrange a large gathering later for a celebration of life. In either case, the absence of usual tradition, ritual and community can cause us to feel that our grief must either be put on hold, stuffed down or resolved by the time of the real, large, official goodbye. We are left in a limbo of loss in which we feel that the fullness of our grief must be private and contained. This places in an immense burden on those of us who have the most to grieve and complicates our ability to move through our feelings.
The other reality in postponing a service, and one few people talk about, is that whenever that service finally happens, regardless of the grief process one feels they have moved through, those closest to the one who died may return to the powerful, overwhelming grief that they initially felt when the death occurred. I have heard repeatedly after a delayed service, “I feel as though I just lost them again.” I have witnessed this so often that I advise families to consider this when making a decision about the timing of a service. When a service does finally happen those more distant from the loss do not understand the deep grief that envelops those most effected by the death. People believe that with time between a death and a postponed service that the family should have moved through their grief and be in “better” shape during and after the service. Often just the opposite is true and we leave people isolated in their reborn grief because of our misunderstanding. We never complete or finish grieving. The process for all of us is to move through our grief and learn to live accepting the loss we have endured. And, grief can be very fluid moving in and out of our lives in its surprising own time and pace.
We are now living in a time when many of us will have to postpone a large gathering because these rituals simply cannot happen when and how they usually would. There is no choice. I state this not to encourage people to have large gatherings when they are not safe. I want those of us enduring a loss and those who will be giving support to understand that the Pandemic makes grief more complicated and, perhaps, causes its initial power to last longer than usual, or to recur at a later time. If we recognize these facts we can be more sensitive to those who have suffered the death of a loved one and we can be more aware of what awaits us.
It is also true that while the Pandemic lasts there are some people who will ignore every suggested and/or mandated health measures and hold whatever size service they want with many people attending. That might give the comfort of a communal farewell, but it will be tempered by concern for those with health concerns and whose attendance may have put them at risk. There may also be a sense of responsibility if someone does end up ill or carries a life-threatening virus to a broader community.
So what do we do when someone we love dies during a Pandemic? In the midst of an immediate loss it can be hard to make even simple decisions. If you can begin by simply accepting that there are circumstances beyond your control and that your choices will be different than they would in a different time, you will lessen some of the frustration and guilt over not being able to make the choices we usually expect. Take the time to consider your own needs as well as preferences, and talking with family and close friends who know you well can help you choose which of the options is best for you. Understand that no solutions will feel perfect. Choose what feels the closest to what you would usually plan.
Whether you belong to a temple or church there are many clergy, some non-denominational, and grief specialists ready to help you plan whatever service you choose. They can guide you through what can best meet your needs and honor your loved one. You and your family or friends can plan your own service but that places extra pressure on people who are grieving. It also puts you in a frame of mind that pulls you away from the grief you need to feel. It is also difficult to think rather than feel when you are hurting. Someone with experience might create a service you and family cannot imagine. If your loved one left instructions they can be helpful to whomever plans the service. If you are working with a Funeral Home they may have recommendations of people experienced in planning and conducting warm and sensitive services, respectful of your wishes. However you choose to proceed, trust that you have made the best decisions you can.
If someone you know or the Funeral Home you are working with is technologically adept there may be many more options than you realize. Streaming services, virtual gatherings all may feel unfamiliar but if they are the only alternative they may be more helpful than you imagine. There may come a time when we feel much more comfortable with and feel comforted by such gatherings than we are currently. Because of the Pandemic that time may come much sooner than it would have otherwise.
Try to remember the complications that these different services and gatherings can cause in the long run. Sometimes simply being prepared for a reaction can lessen its effect. If you can, be gentle with yourself. When we are grieving we feel that others cannot fully understand what we are experiencing. We also fear that they cannot help in the ways we most need support. I have learned how incredibly hard, or nearly impossible it can feel to ask for help or support following a death. When people could be around you some of them might have anticipated or understood what you needed. If that is not an option push yourself, as best you can, to do just that. When people cannot be visiting you or having you over for dinner it will be hard for them to gauge what you need or how they can help. You may need to be more vocal and up front about how you are doing and what you are feeling. Even if you can begin by opening up to one person, it may allow a cascade of support that you need.
If the goodbye feels unfinished you can hold a service or celebration at a later time. You can also plan a commemoration at a stone setting in the cemetery or on the anniversary of someone’s death or birth. If cremation was chosen, a second service can be held to distribute or release ashes. Be creative in planning what works for you.
However, you choose to say an “official” farewell, know that you have done the best you can at a complicated time and that you did our best to honor the person who has died. Nothing about this time is perfect. Doing our best is the “perfect” of the day. If you managed a heartfelt and respectful goodbye, you have chosen the best options before you.