How are we expected to handle death, loss and grief during the current Covid-19 Pandemic? The simple answer is, with difficulty.
We all know what is missing - our traditional, expected, needed, comforting rituals and ceremonies, the community of mourners that always follow the death of a loved one. When someone we love dies we expect to be surrounded by people we love and who care for us. We gather as family and friends, fellow mourners. We share our grief, memories, love and strength. We plan funerals and memorial services that allow us an official and public goodbye. People visit, invite us over, drop off meals, send cards and call to check on us. Our grief may be private but the aspect of public mourning and the sharing of the loss make us feel less alone and not isolated for a bit.
This is the number one way the Pandemic complicates Grief. Isolation! We are left isolated with our grief. We are isolated from others also grieving. We are isolated from those who love us and whom we love. We are denied a large gathering to share the loss and memories. There may be no gathering at all. Few if any people stop by or send over meals. There may be cards but fewer calls because no one knows what to say. We are isolated from all the traditions and norms that we expect and need when someone we love dies. We are left floundering with feelings too hard to get through alone, and few people to abide with us.
Some of us are also filled with guilt and/or frustration that we were unable to be with the person who was ill and dying. The grief for time lost and the frustration of knowing your loved one was alone, without you to comfort or advocate, must be overwhelmingly painful.
How much more lonely it is to lose someone you love and not be allowed to be embraced by a larger community of family, friends, a faith community or a work cohort. Grief and Isolation are not friends. Grief alone is painful, heartbreaking, life-changing, and isolating. Currently, severe and long-term isolation increase every aspect of grieving. Although no other human being can fully know our grief, the sharing of our grief or the attention of others can provide some comfort.
Some of us normally prefer to grieve alone but we know we can count on certain family members or friends to interrupt our aloneness to visit or have us over for dinner. I believe that having those options removed will make grieving even more complicated for true introverts who prefer private grief and intolerable for those of us who need contact and interaction with others. We are social animals and the society of others can briefly ease our pain and provide us with connection that, even though it can never replace the contact of the one who has died, can remind us that we are not totally alone.
Just as another person’s love and society, no matter how sincere and welcome, cannot replace the love and society of the person we have lost, online services and gatherings cannot replace the power and support of gathering with others in person.
I have been doing outdoor, intimate and online funerals and memorial services as well as individual video and phone Grief Support since the Pandemic began. I believe this helps. But, at times I fear it is not nearly enough. I have done Grief Support for 25 years and it never felt so incomplete. That is because one person, even a specialist, cannot replace the usual connection with family and friends. This Pandemic has left us all feeling as though there is more we should be doing.
I wish I had easy and sure suggestions for you who are grieving during this time. I realize that anything I suggest will be welcomed by some and but feel awkward or impossible to others. That is always the case, as we are not all the same people. I will offer one suggestion. If you know what you need, risk asking for it, even if asking for help is the last thing in the world you would normally do. Think of it as asking for support. If you think that visits from family or friends would help, do not feel that you need to ask every individual. Let the one person who calls know that visits would be greatly appreciated and let them make the calls. I would not place the responsibility on you to initiate what you need from many people. This may just one other aspect of how much harder it is to grieve right now.
Consider online visits with family and friends on a regular basis or an online group chat. Even if the technology is new the result could be much more helpful than you think. Reach out to someone who does Grief Support or Counseling online or over the phone. Again, even if the format if foreign remember that the circumstances in which you are grieving are foreign to everyone. It is time to try something new and different.
Some of you will need to find a group, even if online, and some of you will find talking with one person to be as much as you can handle. Any support you choose will have moments when it feels difficult or painful, that is grief. However, if it feels wrong or more uncomfortable than you can tolerate remember you can leave and make use of other options for support.
No one can make it better. With luck you will find something or someone who will journey with you as you move through your own grief process. Remember that grief is a process that seems to ebb and flow at its own pace. Although many aspects of grief are similar, each person’s experience is unique. Do not expect your grief to behave like someone else’s. It is your own as was your relationship with the person who has died. Your grief will surprise you by the times when it eases and overwhelms you.
If someone you love has died during this Pandemic, my heart hurts for you. I cannot fully imagine how lost and lonely and frustrated you must feel in addition to the grief that overwhelms you. This is an unusual time in which to try to find your way through all of the feelings and thoughts within you. When you are experiencing the most painful times if you do not live with or regularly see people who know you well you may have to push yourself a bit and reach out. Hopefully you have someone in your life who will not need you so say much for them to understand you are struggling. We all do. Grief hurts and you know that better than most right now.
Trust that those who love and care for you want to help, even if they seem clueless. No one knows how to handle death and grief right now. Hold on to whatever family member, friend, faith, memory, pet, support, hobby, book…you can. The world feels different. The care and support to help you through this time may be different. Yet, just as people have made it through the worst of their grief before and found a way to live with the loss in a way that does not limit their lives, so will you. It may just be a stranger journey and it may take a bit longer. Hold on to love wherever and whenever you can. And, when you need it and when you can - ask for support.