Many of us imagine, and some are told outright, that the process, the Goal, of grieving is to “get over” the feelings of Loss and Pain, that initially fill our hearts. I could not disagree more.
Our feelings are messy things. Like some kids separate the peas from the carrots on their dinner plates, some of us believe that we can separate the Grief from Loss, or even more - separate the Pain of Grief from our Memory of the person or thing we have lost. We are told this is required so that Love and Happiness become pure untarnished memories. I cannot imagine that is ever possible.
If we did not Love we would not experience the pain of Grief for our Losses. In fact, as I have said before, often the power and size of our Grief is equal to the Love we felt for these persons and things when they were in our lives. In very simple but accurate terms, I love my dog a lot so when my dog dies I grieve a lot. Had I merely liked my dog my Grief would not be very powerful nor would it hurt so much.
Trying to separate the Love we feel from the Grief we feel is a daunting task. Instead, I suggest that as we move forward we continue to do both: Love and Grieve together. I am not suggesting that every time we smile at a memory of warmth or love that we are immediately brought down into the depths of our Grief. However, I do believe that it is an inhuman task to try to totally separate our Grief from our memory and feelings of Love. Poets and authors often speak of the exquisite pain of Loss due to the deep and exquisite feeling of Love we once felt for someone or something. I believe they go hand in hand.
For years I have journeyed with people who have lost children, spouses, best friends, lovers, and others whom they deeply loved and who loved them deeply. I have also attended those who lost things of great importance; their houses, jobs, retirement income, etc. These individuals lost “things” for which they either felt deep Love or that made their lives what they were. I remember standing with one man whose house had just burned to the ground. He kept saying, “I didn’t just lose my furniture, but since much of my furniture was handed down from family, I have lost my connection to my grandparents and parents. I will never again look around my house remembering from whom things came and feel the love I shared with each person.” Our “things” and the attachments we have to them come from either the associations we had with those who previously owned them or from the importance they gave to our lives. If you lose your retirement income you have now lost both the money you carefully and intentionally saved for years but you have also lost the future for which you planned and worked.
Just like looking at family heirlooms can make us feel both the love of family and the pain of their loss, we can feel both without this combination of feelings being a negative or limiting thing. In fact, when we lose people with whom our lives were built and lived, it may be that when we think of them we feel both equally or unevenly, but over time Grief becomes the lesser feeling and Love prevails.
Years ago, I facilitated a Support Group for Parents whose children died. One mother returned every year on the anniversary of her son’s death. this night was the 12th anniversary. A heartbroken and grieving young mother, who recently lost her eight-week-old first child, asked this other mother how she survived the devastating pain from the death of her child. The mother attending on the anniversary of her son’s death said, “A day will come when you will remember the good times and it won’t hurt too much.” “…and it won’t hurt too much.” That evening she taught us all that there are some losses from which you never fully recover. Some Losses are too important to ever lose at least an awareness of the pain of Grief.
However, there will come a time when Grief is not the lead feeling. It remains. It is present with every memory of laughter and joy, but…it is not the primary feeling. That becomes and remains, we hope, - Love. Grief and Love forever intertwined, as they should be, but Love fills the larger space. We pray for the day when the Love and warmth of memory come first and Grief remains attached but no longer wields power over Love.
