TEMPORARY GRIEF IN A TIME OF FEAR? - Life and Loss in the midst of Covid-19

I have often talked about the fact that we have many more Losses that cause Grief than just the big Losses that usually come to mind.  But, what of Temporary Losses?  Can we experience Temporary Grief?  How can Fear influence our sense of Loss?  Can you actually grieve what we hope we will eventually get back? 

I would answer “Yes, but…” If we are certain that what we are currently missing will return than the Grief we feel is not the same as the Grief that consumes us over a permanent Loss.  Many of us are more than missing what has always been our lives.  We miss going to work, the library, shopping, going out to eat.  We miss having the freedom to move about as we want or need.  We miss how things have always been and what we took for granted.  We feel worried and trapped and frightened.   We are both impatient and terrified of getting or giving something so deadly.  In the midst of this we long being with those we love, taking care of family members and sharing our lives with close friends.  We are a jumble of feelings and needs and questions.

I ache to hold my grandsons right now and to touch my elderly mother’s hand.  I want to hug my adult sons and daughter and kiss their cheeks and feel their warmth and love as I hope they would feel mine.  I know that love does not require presence but being together deepens relationships and sustains some of us.  Yet, I know that to do so would be selfish and risky for them as well as for me.  I worry that one of them will become ill, or that I will, and that we will not be able to be present with the each other.  What I feel is nowhere near the Grief I would feel if they died.  It is, however, a powerful sense of Loss and longing.  It hurts and it can be overwhelming.  I comfort myself with video chats, texts, calls as many of us do but we all know it is not the same.  

Then I stop thinking selfishly.  My heart hurts for those of us who have lost our income and ability to work.  How terrifying it is  to worry about not just our rent and mortgage but being able to feed our families and ourselves.  I can only imagine the terror of those who own small businesses - stores, restaurants, bars, etc. and who know that the loss of customers for too long will mean the loss of their business and their employee’s livelihoods .  More than our way of life is at stake.  Our lives are at stake.  And, we are trying to deal with all of this while being cooped up in our apartments and homes, getting on each other’s nerves no matter how hard we try and listen daily to how much worse things are and will be.   

We hope it is temporary.  This is the major issue today and why we are so unsure if what we feel is simply a missing of aspects of our lives or if we are beginning to grieve what was our lives.  The truth is that we do not know.  Fear of the future and of the pandemic’s current grasp of our lives heightens our longing and can cause some of us to move toward Grief.  

We HOPE these limitations and the current smallness of our lives is temporary but we cannot be completely sure.  We also know this virus and its aggressive climb have changed more than our current lives.  It will change our future.  How could it not?  We now know how vulnerable our culture and country were, are and can be.  We know there are no quick fixes and no certainty about the future.

We wonder about a time when the social limitations shift.  Now that many businesses know that working from home and video conferences work how will that change the work environment of the future.  Will Social Distancing become a common part of our future?  Will our country and world become less tribal in response or will blame and anger rule?  Will life ever be the same?

We are also dealing with the realization that our country and world were not prepared for this pandemic in spite of repeated warnings from scientists.  After well publicized calls for Social Distancing and Staying At Home orders many, many ignored them and gathered in huge groups and raised the number of infections.  We are tired of the politicizing of blame and solutions.  So, add anger and frustration to everything else we are feeling.

How do we sort out longing and fear from the start of real Grief?  Let us allow for all of it.  And, while we do, let us hold onto uncertainty.  Perhaps we should now admit to a real feeling of “Temporary Grief.”  If we look back on the temporary losses in our lives most of us will recognize the difference between missing someone and aching for someone, between missing a part of our lives and longing for its return.  Is the ache and longing the exact same as the Grief we experience with a permanent Loss?  Not exactly the same but there are moments when the power of Temporary Grief can feel as powerful and as life-limiting as permanent Grief.

So, let us be patient with each other.  Recognize that who and what we miss may be the most essential pieces of our lives.  Treat yourself and each other with gentleness and the freedom to feel what we feel.  If it feels like Grief it may well be, even if it is Temporary Grief.  Our fear is that today’s Temporary Grief may become tomorrows permanency.  That does not mean that we now should commit to permanently grieving.  Only that fear strengthens our temporary feelings.  

It is permanent reality that brings a Loss that does not change and a Grief that is like no other.  Yet, our present reality and the fear that exists inside of it can make us experience a sense of Temporary Grief.  There are no real stages to our present reality.  Like a strong ocean current our current situation moves daily and flows as it will.  Such is the way of Grief.  We only have where it take us and our response to it.  

As for Temporary Grief, may we respond with focusing on the the word Temporary and allow it to  ground us and make room for some strength to get through this time.  In the moments when it does not, be gentle with yourself and others.  The future is unknown and our guesses about it temporary.  Our ability to support each other through whatever the future holds is permanent.

How we are judged when we hurt

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard “That has to be the worst kind of Loss, and the most painful Grief” Usually, this is attributed to the loss of a child, although many times I have heard people use similar statements about the Loss of a spouse, particularly when the marriage has been long term. I have encountered those whose Grief was devastating after the Loss of family heirlooms or their careers or the death of friends. It sounds so scientific to measure and categorize the types of Losses and the volume and intensity of Grief.

The benefit of such judgements regarding Loss and the Grief is that they allow others to pass judgment on the value of another person’s Loss and how they are exhibiting their Grief. The truth is that no one other than those in a relationship know the experiences, struggles, connections and emotions involved. When we speak of someone else’s particular Loss we have no idea of exactly what they are feeling and experiencing. I have heard well-meaning but judgmental comments about someone else’s Loss and Grief more times than I want to remember, “She has been crying way too much. It is time to stop.” “It’s been several months. Why can’t he just move on with his life?” “I imagine it hurts. But, come on! Life goes on!” “I think he needs therapy to get over the death of his wife.”

Of course passing judgement on another’s Loss and Grief is no different than other judgements we make or endure. We judge those who are less fortunate because we believe we can learn how to avoid their situation from the wrong choices they made. We judge the behavior, dress, and mistakes of women who are raped to ensure that we women and the women we love are safe as long as we avoid those mistakes, choosing to not see the raped woman as a victim or survivor but as the Unfortunate. We point out to our children the wrongs and mistakes of those who are addicted, and mentally ill so they will not grow up to fall victim to these problems and our future disappointments as if they were chosen and developed intentionally.

The problem with any judgment of another person is that we have no idea what their life experience has been, so we judge blindly and often wrongly. The prime problem with such judgments as they pertain to the Losses and Grief of others is that they desensitize us to the pain of Grief and the ache of Loss. Judging others gives us distance from them and their plight. Judging gives us the choice to decide that someone is not handling or expressing their Grief correctly and the certainty that we would handle things differently, better. It gives us the choices to categorize and analyze their pain intellectually and ignore the inherent emotions.

I will not disagree that some Losses appear to be more painful and harder to bear than others.

However, after journeying for over 20 years with people who are grieving I am positive that I have no idea how someone else feels about their Loss and Grief and what they are experiencing unless they tell me. There are similarities in some Losses and Grief. Yet, each person feels and experiences them uniquely due to the nuances and individuality of their relationships. We each heal in our own time and way, as fully as we can.

These judgments, even if not spoken, are felt. The result is that they leave alone the person who is in pain and might be desperate for anyone to try to understand. Better yet, they may simply need someone who is willing to accept that their Loss and Grief are their own and not open to interpretation or judgment.