After working in the fields of Loss and Grief for over 20 years I am constantly disappointed and sometimes upset by the amount of incorrect information and “common knowledge” there is about these essential events and feelings in our lives. Everyone of us will or has, (for some of us repeatedly), experienced Loss and Grief. Most of the time we have been conditioned to believe that what we have encountered or experienced is not worth the terms “Loss” and/or “Grief.” Traditionally, Grief is expected and supported only for a Loss that is the death of a loved one. That is the Loss the public recognizes and the Grief to which your family and friends will respond. Most of our other Losses are not acknowledged or considered worthy of Grief. Yet, our lives are loaded with important and worthy experiences of Loss and Grief.

Loss and Grief are commonly misunderstood as events that happen, feelings we experience, and that we eventually get over before the next Loss happens. However, LOSS AND GRIEF ARE CUMULATIVE. Our Grief may subside or it may have moved out of the forefront of our daily thoughts and feelings, or we may simply become aware that those around us are impatient that we seem stuck in our Grief and they are tired of listening to our pain and struggle. That does NOT mean that our Grief has ended. During the course of our lives the Losses we experience and the Grief we feel stack up, one on the other, for our entire lives. At any moment there can be a Loss, either from intensity or from too high a pile of Loss, that will be the one that limits our lives and feels insurmountable to move through and beyond.

This concept of cumulative Losses helps us understand why some Losses hit us much harder than we imagined possible. It may be that we are not only grieving the Loss that most recently occurred, but also the previous Losses that have accumulated into such an insurmountable mountain that it seems impossible to imagine life without intense Grief.
Be gentle with yourself and others when Grief seems disproportionate to the Loss. This “inappropriate” (I hate that judgmental word) Grief may be for many more Losses than the one currently before you. Cumulative Loss leads to Cumulative Grief and that can be a difficult mountain to negotiate.