From MOST OF WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT LOSS AND GRIEF IS WRONG
By Patricia Shelden, MDiv
For years, I have listened to those who are grieving talk about the stupid things people say to them. Usually, they understand the person’s good intent. They realize that the person who said a very hurtful or insulting thing to them may actually have been trying to be supportive or understanding. Yet, people say some extremely stupid and hurtful things to those whose worlds have been destroyed and who are only holding onto normal social behavior by a thread. Some of these comments threaten to cut that thread moving the one grieving into anger at the least and indignation and fury at the worst.
Perhaps this is best understood if I share of some the inappropriate and hurtful comments I have heard or heard about. The first example is the easiest in which to understand the hurtfulness in a response that someone received over and over. The woman’s husband committed suicide by hanging himself in their home. This was a horrible shock and it took a while before her grief appeared because she was so devastated. There was also the trauma of having found him dead.
However, she often spoke of her anger at the large number of people who said, “Hang in there.” to her. The manner of her husband’s death was made public so there was no chance that these people were ignorant of what the word “hanging” could evoke from her. It got to the point that she just silently walked away from the people who said this rather than risk blowing up at them, making her the center of attention she did not want.
I was once with young parents whose gorgeous baby girl just died on an Easter Sunday. While they were still in shock at their daughter's sudden death a relative approached them and said, “I know your daughter is in Heaven having the most beautiful Easter with God.” The grieving father turned on her and shouted, “Then he should have taken someone else’s child and left me with mine!”
It seems difficult for some people to think before they speak. I am sure that our cultural avoidance of any issue having to do with Loss and Grief is part of this difficulty. But, common sense and a tiny bit of consideration would eliminate many such painful exchanges.
People ask new widows and/or widowers when they plan to remarry, or suggest that the person remarry before too long so they do not get lonely. I once heard someone say to a grieving parent that Jesus took their child because he needed another beautiful flower in his garden. This father’s response was much less kind than the father mentioned earlier.
People want to ask those who are grieving details of how their loved one died. Are people really that stupid that they cannot think that talking or even being asked to talk about that might be hurtful and upsetting. We need to think less about what makes us more comfortable in these difficult encounters with someone who has suffered a loss and focus a bit more on them and how what we say might affect them.
One response I will never understand is the need for some people to try to say something funny to get the grieving person to smile by telling them a joke or using a cute turn of phrase. If you need someone whose heart is broken into a million pieces to smile for you to feel comfortable then please stay home and away from these situations. Getting someone to smile is an indication that YOU cannot handle being around grief. Please do not dismiss someone else’s pain in this way.
I believe most of us have made some version of a mistake in talking with someone who is in the midst of profound grieve. If so, forgive yourself for being awkward, we have almost all done this before we knew better. But, please learn from it.
The most respectful statements and comments we can make are to acknowledge the person’s loss and our understanding that this is painful. It is best to simply say, “I am so sorry for your Loss.” and be done. Kindness, compassion and warmth are what we need most when we are grieving. “I’m sorry.” offers all of them.